Tuesday, October 1, 2013

If This Blog Reached a Shutdown

I am fortunate to remain working as 800,000 other federal employees are sent home without pay. I deal with catastrophe and hardship with terrible humor and I mean no disrespect…

What would happen in the event of a cancerslayerblog Blog Shutdown?

Its single author, editor, coder, formatter and publisher would have to stop work. He would also continue receiving $0.

Its seven loyal readers and 13 occasional visitors would be forced to reread previous stories such as Chemo Sprinkles and wonder why they ever visited this blog. They would then never visit cancerslayerblog again.

Now with extra time to read other things, one of this blog’s readers would devote himself to studying Justin Bieber. He would then enter depression and be unable to afford counseling. He would forget to clean his teeth and without access to preventive care, they would all fall out. Unable to chew, he would then subsist on Jolly Ranchers. Once his blood glucose exceeds 4,999 while crowd surfing at a Bieber concert, his heart would stop, he would die, and his next of kin would sue Bieber for all his wealth and end up settling on authentic replicas of Bieber’s owl tattoo. Screw tort reform.

All the blog’s stakeholders would bicker over why the Blog Shutdown occurred and pretend they are trying to fix it. In other words, I end up talking to myself a lot.

Media outlets would point fingers at the “bad” stakeholders. I think this means that on Twitter I would demand that health insurers not cover my hip and heart scans. On Facebook I would state that my Twitter account is simply a hindrance to me selling books. Instagram would post selfies and maybe some nudies. Google Plus would play impartial by posting nothing. Goodreads would create its own Twitter account just to post glowing quotes about my book. YouTube would forget it existed and just watch funny videos of guys in wheelchairs picking up chicks. About.me would…hot damn I have too many media outlets.

Without this blog for continued practice, my writing would suffer. I would then lose my actual job as a writer/editor in the federal government, lose my health insurance and then blame Twitter for forcing me to live in fear that healthcare would bankrupt me. I would then enter the health insurance black market by paying my pediatric surgeon-friend, NoCommonSense, Get Out of Jail Free cards in exchange for future surgical procedures. I would target calf implants in 2016.

Jobless and with ample time and no other skills, I would watch Breaking Bad start-to-end at least monthly in order to learn how to cook meth. I would distribute the meth to the 800,000 jobless federal employees. Now without teeth, skills and health insurance, we would all look forward to our respective shutdowns to end so that we could contribute to America again.


Catherine said...

Having read this post, I'm very glad your blog hasn't shut down. Not only to save you from a meth cooking future along with that poor sod who was crushed by the Biebs, but also so I can keep on laughing and enjoying your stories.

Benjamin Rubenstein said...

I am blushing, thank you! You have almost convinced me not to get a new tattoo of the Biebs on my forearm.