Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Visit my Blog, Tell your Friends, Buy my Future Book

Last year, soon after I created this blog, I promoted it at my school, the University of Virginia. It began with an article I wrote for The Cavalier Daily. Then there were the flyers.

If I had it my way I would’ve hired The Martin Agency—the advertising firm that created the GEICO caveman ads—to market my blog. I imagine a Jewish fellow frolicking through cyberspace minding his own business playing with cashews, almonds, or his own testicles. “So entertaining you’ll even visit on the Sabbath.”

But that would cost loads of money, a resource I didn’t have. I had time. One day I created four flyers, each with a different catchphrase and picture. I wrote my blog URL on tear away slips at the bottom. One flyer said “ONE HIP WONDER,” two had something to do with Superman, and the fourth looked something like this:

Acorns hanging from treeBenjaminRubenstein.blogspot.com

I printed over 50 of them, many in color, purchased with my Cavalier Advantage account that my parents paid for. Then I posted them in different locations around campus on bulletin boards, telephone poles and pillars. By the evening, after six grueling hours on a Sunday in April, my job was complete. I went home exhausted, proud of my accomplishment and hopeful that my StatCounter would explode from overuse.

Sadly, I watched that week as my StatCounter showed the same pathetically low numbers as before—the same numbers that I continue to see. Nothing changed. How could that be? The flyers were placed in multiple locations, they were diverse and catchy, and had convenient tear away strips. I had the most perfect, brilliant, genius plan, except…

Sunday nights were when old flyers were trashed to make space for new ones. I guess I missed that flyer.

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Sunday, July 20, 2008

Goose is Dead, You Gotta Let him Go

These are my new mirrored, polarized, aviator sunglasses.

Aviator-style sunglasses
I request that I now be referred to as Maverick.
Top Gun's Maverick
I am currently accepting applications from anyone who wants to be my Goose. And my hot teacher-girlfriend.

“I think I’ll go embarrass myself with Goose.”

“Goose, even you could get laid in a place like this.”

“Sorry Goose, but it’s time to buzz a tower.”

“Goose: the need for speed!”

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Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Deez Nuts

When I was younger I’d get frustrated at myself for playing poorly in games like putt-putt or bowling. And I sucked. My average putt-putt score was 20 over par and I never broke 100 in bowling.

Fortunately, it no longer bothers me when I stink, which isn’t to say I’m not competitive. I want to win and I want to do well, but I know that win or lose, I’ll still have both my nuts in the end.

My skills, as well as my mindset, have improved. On my last putt-putt outing I beat my friend, Hamburgers, by one stroke. I got three hole-in-ones and finished one under par. Hamburgers got upset for losing, just like I used to get. I’m assuming that he, too, still has both his testicles, although, unlike him, I’m not going to ask for proof.*

The last time I bowled, I stuffed it. I gobbled. I buttered it up. I got a turkey—three strikes in a row. With 3 strikes and a spare in the first 5 frames, I was on pace for a score of 200. I slowed down, ending with 150, still my personal best. If only everyone could’ve seen my turkey dance.
Bowling a turkeyI should take my newfound skills to the assisted living homes and play the residents in Nintendo Wii Bowling. I’ll take those old-timers to school. I’ll show them what it’s like to have two working testicles. Wait. No. Mine work less than theirs do. Damn chemotherapy.

If things get too rowdy then I’ll retrieve my former cane from my closet and cane-fight them. I’m sure Hamburgers and his excessive anger would want in on that action. He’s a sick fuck.*

*Hamburgers’ comment from Angelina Jolie, Will You Marry Me?

When are we going to get visual proof that you still have both your nuts? How do we know this isn't some 'Million Little Pieces of Bullshit' sham? I'm just saying I want a few pics, high resolution. I want to see the nut sweat.

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