Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Deez Nuts

When I was younger I’d get frustrated at myself for playing poorly in games like putt-putt or bowling. And I sucked. My average putt-putt score was 20 over par and I never broke 100 in bowling.

Fortunately, it no longer bothers me when I stink, which isn’t to say I’m not competitive. I want to win and I want to do well, but I know that win or lose, I’ll still have both my nuts in the end.

My skills, as well as my mindset, have improved. On my last putt-putt outing I beat my friend, Hamburgers, by one stroke. I got three hole-in-ones and finished one under par. Hamburgers got upset for losing, just like I used to get. I’m assuming that he, too, still has both his testicles, although, unlike him, I’m not going to ask for proof.*

The last time I bowled, I stuffed it. I gobbled. I buttered it up. I got a turkey—three strikes in a row. With 3 strikes and a spare in the first 5 frames, I was on pace for a score of 200. I slowed down, ending with 150, still my personal best. If only everyone could’ve seen my turkey dance.
Bowling a turkeyI should take my newfound skills to the assisted living homes and play the residents in Nintendo Wii Bowling. I’ll take those old-timers to school. I’ll show them what it’s like to have two working testicles. Wait. No. Mine work less than theirs do. Damn chemotherapy.

If things get too rowdy then I’ll retrieve my former cane from my closet and cane-fight them. I’m sure Hamburgers and his excessive anger would want in on that action. He’s a sick fuck.*

*Hamburgers’ comment from Angelina Jolie, Will You Marry Me?

When are we going to get visual proof that you still have both your nuts? How do we know this isn't some 'Million Little Pieces of Bullshit' sham? I'm just saying I want a few pics, high resolution. I want to see the nut sweat.