Saturday, March 10, 2007

Chemo Sprinkles

So, you cut your arm and you don’t know what to do. You gashed it pretty good. Blood is dripping everywhere. The pain is substantial and you can’t stop the tears streaming down your cheeks. Here’s the good news – with our brand-new product you’ll never have to worry about getting gangrene again.
Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!*
That’s right, folks. Nothing will survive the onslaught, let alone bacteria or even your own soft tissue.

*warning: May or may not cause secondary infection which may or may not lead to limb amputation or death.

Worried about getting your girl pregnant? Women, are you concerned about gaining weight from The Pill? Throw your worries out the window with Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!* Our odorless sprinkles go right on the balls, causing instant testicular explosion and sperm death. The lab rats in our experiment didn’t even feel it, and went on to live healthy, sexually active lives.

*warning: Slow absorption may lead to genetic mutation in sperm. If they manage to impregnate, which is highly unlikely, the child will most likely be an alien life-form. Misshapen dong, inability to urinate and ED are also possible side effects.

Having digestive troubles? Too much, or not enough going out the back end? No longer do you have to revert to those tiny anti-diarrhea pills or nasty laxatives. Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!* dissolves fairly well in water and the taste won’t make you vomit too often. We have two different formulas with varying degrees of potency, designed to get you regular again. Our Extreme-Cytoxan formula will even turn your shit fluorescent yellow and highly radioactive. The kids will have a blast with it.

*warning: Internal bleeding occurs 78.34% of the time, although most of our rats recovered after 2-4 weeks. The rest of them use a colostomy bag for life, which they seem to enjoy.

Let’s make shaving become a thing of the past. People spend too much time, money and energy shaving, buying products, and worrying about which to get – the 5 blade or the 10 blade. Our solution is simple, effective, and cheap: Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!*
Chemo sprinkles go right on the skin. After three hours of significant burning, the hairs will be gone forever. You heard me correctly – you’ll never have to repeat the procedure for the rest of your life.

*warning: Skin cancer and parasites should be expected to develop at site. If this happens then you already know what to do – Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!

Your neighbor’s dog just won’t shut up, huh? He keeps you up at night. He barks at your kids when they walk to the bus stop. Enough is enough. Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It!* with our special peanut butter scent should do the trick. Our Adriamycin-XXX formula kills instantly, making it look like a doggy stroke. That fucker will croak in a pile of his own shit and guts.

*warning: Chemo sprinkles that aren’t consumed by the dog could potentially leak into the groundwater. If this occurs then evacuation must take place anywhere within 15 miles of leak. After 15 miles the sprinkles will hopefully dissolve to the point of only moderate toxicity.

Disclaimer: Just Sprinkle Some Chemo On It! is not responsible for any damages that may occur. This product is not, and never will be, FDA approved. Many rats were killed during experiments. Not recommended for children and the elderly, as well as adolescents, young adults and the middle-aged. And your dog.


Anonymous said...

chemo sprinkles? jesus haha

love the blog man, keep it up

Anonymous said...

This made my night. Keep writing, dude.