Saturday, December 8, 2007

Crazy Drinking Story

During the spring semester of 2004 I was living in a house with three friends, including Duckman and Mr. Mountain Dew. The Thursday night before spring break began, two of our more rowdy friends came to visit (Colossus and Vodka/Benadryl), bringing two of their rowdy friends (Strict and EMP).

We were chilling in the living room when Mr. Mountain Dew got a call about a party. At the time my immune system was still recovering from a bone marrow transplant, so I wasn’t supposed to be around large groups of people. But this was meant to be a relatively small birthday party for our friend, RightStuff, at her boyfriend’s house.

Duckman opted out, so the other six of us packed into my car and drove down the street to RightStuff’s party. When we got there we all split up and I quickly found myself talking to a hot little number we’ll call Shawty. As the night went on I seemed to be making progress with Shawty, as my friends pounded Long Island Iced Teas and got absolutely hammered.

Around midnight Colossus became belligerent and started yelling at everyone at the party, including the residents of the house. “Alright,” one of the guys said, “I think you should leave.”

“Fuck you, I ain’t leavin’.” Colossus walked over to the living room, found a metal pipe on the floor and threw it. “You wanna kick me out? Let’s fuckin’ fight!”

Realizing that Colossus was about to get his ass kicked, I rushed outside to find Mr. Mountain Dew and Vodka/Benadryl. “Hey guys, I think Colossus is about to get in a fight.”

“Dammit!” Mr. Mountain Dew sighed as if this had happened several times before. He walked into the house to talk things over, or fight if necessary. Vodka/Benadryl stumbled behind him. Should he really be fighting that drunk?

The next thing I saw was Mr. Mountain Dew pushing a cursing Colossus away from the house. Vodka/Benadryl once again stumbled behind him. “Colossus, you’re a drunken idiot. Let’s go,” Mr. Mountain Dew said.

“FUCK THEM! Let’s beat d’ shit out’m!” Colossus screamed.

“We need to find Strict and EMP and get out of here,” I said.

Everybody was pissed at Colossus, especially EMP who was getting some action in the corner when we pulled him away and told him we were leaving. “Fuck you Colossus, you drunk-ass bastard. Did you see that girl I was with? Damn!”

As we approached my car, Shawty walked over to me. “You sure have your hands full, huh?”

“Yeah, these guys are way too drunk,” I replied.

“Let me help you out. I’m usually good at this stuff.”

I got to my car and unlocked the doors expecting people to pile in, when Colossus grabbed my keys and crawled into the driver’s seat. “Colossus, get out!” I yelled. “Get the fuck out!”

Colossus slowly put the key in the ignition. Shawty was attempting to sweet talk him out of doing anything stupid, while the rest of us were screaming until our veins were popping out. But none of it seemed to bother him. He turned the key forward. I heard the engine start. He looked over at me with a mischievous smile and started his usual demonic laughter.

“That’s it!” Strict yelled. “It’s time for you to get out of the car.”

Strict grabbed Colossus by the neck and yanked him onto the cold concrete. I immediately reached in, turned the car off and ripped the key out of the ignition.

EMP entered the car through the passenger door. “Alright,” he began, “Colossus stopped me from getting play tonight, so let’s leave NOW.” Fine, I’ll take one home at a time.

There was so much commotion around me I couldn’t even think straight. Colossus and Strict were wrestling on the moist ground directly in front of my car. Mr. Mountain Dew was beside the car laughing at them. EMP was in the backseat shouting, “Get me out of here!” Shawty was in the passenger seat, and I couldn’t find Vodka/Benadryl, who was insanely intoxicated. Without hesitation, I put the car in reverse and very lightly pressed the accelerator when Mr. Mountain Dew screamed, “BEN STOP!”

I slammed on the brakes. “What is it?”

“Vodka/Benadryl is lying on the ground right behind your car. Your tire is seriously an inch away from his head. You almost ran him over.”

“Holy shit, is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s fine.”

“Sorry Vodka/Benadryl,” I said. “I didn’t mean to run you over. You want to go back to our place?”

Vodka/Benadryl mumbled something along the lines of “it’s alright” as he crawled into the back of my two-door coupe.

After thoroughly beating the shit out of Colossus, Strict also found his way into the backseat. Colossus was still lying on the ground, so Mr. Mountain Dew agreed to wait with him until I returned.

I drove back to my house as the three assholes screamed obscenities at every pedestrian we passed. “I’m really glad you came with me,” I said to Shawty.

“Oh, it’s nothing.”

When I got to the house I put the car in park and let the guys out. “Duckman is in there; he’ll let you in.”

After dropping them off, Shawty and I went back to the party to gather the rest of the troops. When I got there Mr. Mountain Dew was standing in the street. “Where’s Colossus?” I asked.

“Man, he just started running. I have no clue where he is.”

“Will he find his way back?”

“Who cares?”

“Shawty, do you want me to give you a ride home?”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

When I reached her apartment complex she asked if we wanted to come inside. “My roommates and I will be getting drunk and would love for you to join us.”

Mr. Mountain Dew and I painfully glanced at each other. “We’d love to, but I think we better go check and make sure our house isn’t burning down. Sorry.” Fucking Colossus.
Right after arriving at the house I saw someone run down the street and turn the corner into our driveway. Sure enough, Colossus managed to find his way back. He had dirt on his face, his shirt was ripped and his pants were muddy. “What the hell happened to you?” I asked. “Better yet, how’d you find your way back here?”

“I on’ know, jus started runnin’”

“Did you get in a fight?”


Colossus went into the house and collapsed on the floor in the middle of our living room, right next to EMP and Vodka/Benadryl.

“Are we just going to let him sleep?” Mr. Mountain Dew asked.

“Screw that,” Strict said, as he reared back and punched Colossus in the leg as hard as he could.

Colossus made a groaning sound and lifted his head up, then went back to sleep.

“I need to get in on this,” Mr. Mountain Dew said. He clobbered Colossus on his left hamstring. Once again, Colossus screamed in pain, mumbled some random letter combinations, and then went back to sleep. “I think the whole house just shook,” Duckman said as he came out of his room.

Mr. Mountain Dew and Strict traded off punches several more times. Eventually, Strict had enough and let Colossus be.

“No way man, I want one more,” Mr. Mountain Dew said. He walked to the end of the hallway and ran toward Colossus. He wound his arm back and swung it around, clobbering Colossus right on the thigh. Colossus let out a bloodcurdling scream before passing out for good.

“Wow – that was seriously the hardest I’ve ever seen someone get hit,” Duckman remarked.

“He’ll definitely be feeling that in the morning,” Mr. Mountain Dew chuckled.

I went to sleep happy that nobody died. For all of spring break Mr. Mountain Dew had a sore hand and Colossus walked with a limp because his leg was so bruised.