Good Afternoon the Small Fraction of America that Reads “Both Nuts,”

Former SportsCenter and current Good Morning America anchor, Robin Roberts, has been diagnosed with myelodysplastic syndrome (MDS), a rare bone marrow disease that, left untreated, leads to leukemia. She is undergoing a conditioning regimen in preparation for a bone marrow transplant. Survival rates are very low for MDS because it often afflicts the elderly. Robin’s immune system will be wiped clean and remain dangerously weak as she waits for her sister’s donor marrow to graft. In the meantime she will watch for symptoms of rare fungal and bacterial infections including pneumonia, and graft-versus-host-disease, an attack on her body from her new marrow.

I know this because I survived MDS which, like for Robin, was caused by the treatment from my first cancer. I know much more, actually, and if I’m willing to discuss my nuts then I can’t hold back here, no matter the consequences…

Robin interviewed President Obama in May about marriage, but that was a facade for a private Obamacare discussion. President Obama required that the SCOTUS uphold the health care law for reelection. I require the use of the acronym SCOTUS be punishable by a forced Yanni concert. And Robin required fresh publicity with Levi Johnston gearing to break into television and snag her airwaves. Good Morning America has seen enormous ratings gains, but Levi’s speaking talents and charisma make him a risk worth taking.

Robin’s solution was to fake a disease in which only nine living Americans survived, of which only two are literate, of which only one cares enough to dispute. Robin could not have developed MDS because celebrity cancers are treated with the venom from the golden lancehead, one of the rarest snakes. And their venom never fails. I learned this from my coworker FormerBackupUSCQB, who learned through Ryan Zimmerman > George Bush (both) > T. Boone Pickens > Sarah Palin > aliens. Aliens know everything.

The SCOTUS upheld the health care law, Robin secured her GMA spot, which saw a ratings boost from the farce, President Obama continues to have a 50-55% chance of reelection, and I lose. So does Yanni, who could use the extra concert attendees.

I wish Robin the best of luck and I’m here to answer any questions related to her “disease.” Though I can't afford to answer questions about this conspiracy or aliens.