Saturday, October 31, 2009

Girls of Cancer: Miss Halloween

Kathy Bates

Kathy Bates discovers a crashed automobile on a snowy, New England road. The driver—James Caan—is an author who Bates is hugely fond of. After being “rescued” by Bates, Caan finds himself drugged, beaten, and at her mercy.

I have never heard of Misery, the 1990 thriller starring Bates and Caan. I probably should have—it grossed $61m, was based on Stephen King’s novel, was directed by the same guy who did When Harry Met Sally, and features Kathy Bates, who won an Academy Award and Golden Globe.

Kathy Bates was a scary mammajamma in Waterboy, playing Adam Sandler’s deranged mother. Are you surprised by this eerie trend? You shouldn’t be. An urban legend has been circulating about Kathy Bates for years. For those who scare, proceed with caution.

It began on Halloween sometime in the 60s when Kathy was a teenager. Her friends had stopped spending time with Kathy—they thought she brought down the group’s rep. Instead of partying in one of her classmate’s basement with everyone else, she sneaked around neighborhoods stealing Snickers bars.

Every Halloween thereafter, Kathy increased her destruction: snatching bags from little kids, smashing pumpkins, and setting lawns alight. It is said that, at twenty, she spotted a rabbit in the woods at precisely 11:59 on Halloween night. The rabbit was as white as a ghost with white pupils and white claws. The rabbit summoned Kathy and spoke in tongues about the species taking over the world and harvesting humans.

The rabbit population began to shrink as Kathy collected those in her hometown of Memphis. People close to Kathy thought she had a taste for the gamey meat. Really, she was preparing for the worldwide takeover. The date was planned for October 31, 2005.

But the plan changed in 2003 when Kathy was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, though she didn’t reveal her disease publicly until 2008. Later, Kathy said that she wished she went public sooner. She could have helped others, she said, since ovarian cancer is difficult to diagnose early.

In truth, she waited to disclose her illness to cover up the white rabbit’s ultimate plan. “Now, they’ll never see it coming,” the rabbit said, in tongues, of course.

The plan to abruptly alter the world’s dominant species without abiding by the rules of evolution is still in play—Kathy’s cancer just pushed it back four years, to October 31, 2009, at the stroke of 11:59, which also happens to be your last opportunity to grab a free Black Jack Taco from Taco Bell.

Facing Armageddon, I’m strangely not in the mood for artificially-colored crunchy tortilla.Kathy Bates holding a knife