“It has an elevator,” Aunt FloJo had said in April, referring to her friend’s condo in Dupont Circle, my next housesitting residence.

“That’s good,” I said.

“No, I mean it has its own, dedicated elevator. You’re going to be very comfortable this summer.”

My Mansion Hopping continues—last week I moved into one of the most expensive condominium communities in Washington, D.C. Many people don’t understand the concept of housesitting, and if I haven’t lived it then I would be confused, too. “Who goes away for months at a time and lets you live in their home for free? How do you get these opportunities?” they ask.

“It’s because I’m Jewish,” I say, though the real reason is that my Aunt FloJo and Uncle Joker are gracious as all hell, have gracious friends, and create opportunities for me. They landed me the mother of Mansion Hops this time:

• Pool
• 4.5 floors
• 24-hour security and fire-lit courtyard
• Viking oven and Sub-Zero refrigerator
• Creepy carousel horse (see video below); and
• A location where one female friend said, “If we met at a bar, all you’d have to say is ‘I live in Kalorama’ and I’d go back with you.”

Hence, my first problem: I’m barely around this summer due to several trips. I’ll just have to go out to bars and restaurants more while I’m here, dropping the “Kalorama” line everywhere. I’d love and usually prefer company, so if you want to then come hang out at the Mansion and surrounding establishments! However, I am prepared to explore as if this were a solo vacation, which goes outside my comfort zone and is a challenge I embrace.

If only I didn’t have a second problem: I seem to be far more desired by gay men than straight women. And did I mention I was in the epicenter of D.C.’s gay community? In fact, I am the King of Dupont Circle: