Thursday, April 12, 2012


Years of food deprivation. Nothing processed at home. Rules that keep me contained. My next step was inevitable: thievery.

Step 1: Reconnoiter the office for candy bowl location, nearby foot traffic, and likelihood the provider is away from the office, leaving the candy abandoned. Sneakier thieves will correlate the door angle and light emitting from the room with the candy provider’s presence, in order to predict sneaky opportunities upon approach. Maintain awareness of all hallways and possibility of a fast-walker or sharp-cornerer whipping into sight. Know candy type ahead of time to prepare for containment to keep hands free, pockets bulkless, and a relaxed, innocent exit.

Step 2: When opportunity arises, enter office, reach quickly with one or two hands, and store candy prior to possible visibility by thief-haters. Rapid hand-eye coordination is vital, especially at my skill level which requires numerous maneuvers: reach, reach, pocket, pocket, quick search, reach, pocket, exit, smooth out bulk, slow heart rate, return to desk, open drawer, unload, close drawer, open spreadsheet (fake or real).

Step 3: Return to location again later, based on reconnaissance from Step 1. Repeat Step 2.

Step 4: Repeat Step 3 several more times in the day.

Restrictions apply:

Rule 1: More often than not the office will be occupied and you will simply breeze past as if you had important business to attend to. To prevent suspicion from candy provider, take one day off each week. Don’t even walk down that hallway.

Rule 2: When candy bowl is full take as much as you can, but as it depletes take less with each swipe. Depletion is more noticeable as the bowl gets smaller.

Rule 3: Never tell others of your thievery, and when asked what candy you prefer, say that you don’t eat it since you’re allergic to milk and peanuts.

After reaching my fitness goal last year rules prevented me from buying unhealthy foods, but I was authorized to commit thievery. So I stopped at Harris Teeter with no intention of buying vegetables, just to snag six free cookies on my way out. And I ravaged office candy bowls. Within three months I had gained 10 pounds.

New rules now prevent me from overconsuming thieved candy and cookies, but the behavior is instinctive. I’m so quick that my conscience lacks opportunity to scold me. So I still thieve, more for the adrenaline rush than consumption, and I end up trying to unload my thieved goods. Two days ago I sneakified Kit-Kats, and then tried giving them away to coworkers. Two declined and one accepted. She returned the favor by offering M&Ms. “No thanks, I just wanted to get rid of the chocolate,” I said.

“I thought you were being nice.”