My previous roommate, Millennium, returned plastered one night ranting about men’s dress socks. I laughed along until heading to bed. I imagine Millennium continued ranting for hours, through his REM sleep. Millennium was full of wisdom, I’ve come to understand.

Knee-high dress socks make me itch. Mid-calf socks don’t stay up. There is no in-between.

I have two pairs of differently-shaded gray dress pants. Good luck finding gray socks to match.

No matter if you’re 5’6” or 6’5”, you’re not likely to find socks of differing sizes. If you strike gold there, then your sock size will be something like 8-12 and have nothing to do with your shoe size.

If you accidentally purchase super thin socks then expect them to resemble the skin of the old lady from There’s Something About Mary after the first wash.

If you try starting a new trend mixing dress socks with casual shorts, don’t do it. Just don’t do it. I’ve come to understand the error of my ways. But don’t try stopping me from styling quarter or mid-calf athletic socks with athletic shorts. Just don’t do it.

I’ve wasted enough of my life on dress socks: GQ and AskMen.com research isn’t helping, Macy’s isn’t supplying, and I’m unwilling to spend $20 for a pair I’ll probably lose. It’s time to buy Millennium a couple Steel Reserves and join him in ranting.