Monday, November 28, 2011

Holiday Donations

While attending the University of Virginia I spotted an ad for a cat allergy study. I had developed an allergy to felines and most everything else after my stem cell transplant, presumably from my anonymous donor. I participated in the study by donating blood for $85. It was the second easiest money-making opportunity of my life, behind betting Omega that UVA would beat William & Mary in football three months ago.

I expected to participate in the follow-up study for additional money, but my allergies were too robust, making my blood unuseful.

That study leads me to wonder what other bodily fluids I can donate for cash. I’ve received so many drugs, and had so many diseases, that surely labs everywhere want to study me. Here are the top five studies I’m keeping an eye out for:

  1. Transgender DNA: It’s Not a Choice! My anonymous umbilical cord stem cell donor was female. So not only has my blood type changed, but the DNA of my stem cells now have the same sex chromosome (XX). Let me be clear that this affects me in no way, except by clearing the way for me to become a serial killer so long as I frame a woman.
  2. Cancer Treatment Leads to X-Men Mutations. There aren't too many people who have endured more cancer treatment than me. The question is whether I’ve received enough treatment to reach the mutation threshold, or if I’m just shy. Also, what kind of mutation are we talking about? X-ray vision would be nice; the ability to read women's minds even better. Then again, maybe not.
  3. Urinalysis: Four Daily Liters Sprays Fountain of Youth. I drink a gallon of water a day. I have yet to see evidence that excessive water is healthy. But my transgender mutation premonition is that water cleans all body systems and is the cure-all. If this study proves that water also keeps me youthful, then I’ll do whatever it takes to hit that gallon mark, and I mean taking Bear Grylls’ pee-drinking to a whole new level.
  4. Chemo-Saturated Organs a Jewel for Alien Biopsies. How much are these extra-terrestrials willing to pay, in what currency, and are there any long-term effects of the organ biopsies? Oh, and which organs are we talking about? All organs are on the table except the brain and testes…well, how much are they paying again?
  5. Post-Transplant Semen Effective on Emu, Not Human, Eggs. Let me be clear that I will have no part in playing God by creating species hybrids…well, how much are they willing to pay again?
Emu world's ugliest animal