Wednesday, August 10, 2011

How to Get Famous in Five Easy Steps

Step 1
Make millions of people follow me on Twitter, including Ashton Kutcher, without them knowing it. I’ll then force-retweet for every idiotic comment I make. Once Kutcher tweets that I should be on Two And A Half Men, then I’m legit.

Step 2
Convince 400 million people to “like” my Facebook Page by offering a free cupcake. I already have a deal in place with Little Debbie to send 400 million individually-packaged cupcakes around the world. Little Debbie is so terrified of Hostess’ increasing market share that it wasn’t even that hard to convince them.

Step 3
Hire an army of people to blog original content so that my readers keep coming back. With my real job and never-ending tweets, I won’t have time to do it myself. After realizing that nobody will work for the nonexistent-to-minimal amount that I would pay them, I will either abduct aliens to do it for me, or train cockroaches how to type. My apartment building seems to have several hundred billion of them, so surely some must be prodigies.

Step 4
Kidnap President Obama’s social media marketing director. If you think Obama won the 2008 election because Sarah Palin can’t name more than seven U.S. states, you’re wrong. Obama won because of an onslaught of social media marketing aimed to get young people out and vote. This soon-to-be kidnapped marketing director will act as my project manager, for the operation codenamed “Make ruBENstein Famous.” And since I’m already kidnapping him, I might as well steal his PMP certification, assuming he has one. I really need mine and this is an easier method than studying for and passing the test.

Step 5
Contact the people who created Final Destination and learn how to see visions of events that haven’t happened yet, so then I can record the craziest stuff and upload them to my YouTube channel. Most people probably think it’s just a movie, but it’s actually based on hard scientific fact. My YouTube channel would jump to the 66th most popular site on the entire web, just behind pornhub.com.

Mila Kunis and Natalie PortmanThis five-step process will make me famous. My initial months with fame will be selfish—using it to get dates with Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman, appearances on Two And A Half Men, and to get cockroaches to synchronize a sleep dance for when I go to bed. Eventually I will quit my job and watch HBOgo.com and Netflix 90 hours a week, eat all my meals at Harris Teeter, and invest heavily in roach killer. I will make sure to get on the cover of Men’s Health Magazine, after I hire Sylvester Stallone to be my trainer.

But after this brief chill-out period, I will use my fame for the betterment of mankind. People find my book, perspective and story inspiring, especially adolescent and young adult patients and survivors. So I will visit patients in medical centers and sign books for them. I will speak at organizations about how to live a healthy and cancer-free life post-survival.

Young adult survivors are a neglected bunch, stuck in between pediatric and adult care. Not young enough to be in those commercials where they use children to convince you to donate money, and not old enough to garner significant research money. But there are hundreds of thousands of us. They need a voice, a leader, a short Jewish dude to show them the path to continued survivorship.

And when people of my generation get older and there’s no social security, the world is in depression and war, and pollution and cockroaches are rampant, me and my army of survivors will take over the world. Our past pain and suffering have given us perspective, making us incorruptible. Our past radiation will cause a superintelligence mutation, allowing us to always know the right thing to do. We will fix our dying planet and human race, just me and my other pediatric cancer-slaying warriors.

But only after I cheat, trick, and criminally find my way to fame, one step at a time. Speaking of step 1, time for me to hack Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter account.

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