Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Girls of Cancer: Miss September

Kate Jackson

On the day after Thanksgiving, nine years ago, we wanted to see Meet the Parents. Sold out. How about The Grinch? Sold out. How about...Charlie's Angels? We were better off driving home.

Cameron Diaz is overrated and has an annoying laugh, Drew Barrymore sucks as I've said many times on this blog, and which was the attractive Angel from back in the day with that popular hairdo and poster? Kate Jackson is the Angel who was always overlooked.

Kate was a southern girl. She was born in Alabama and attended Ole Miss. In the 1970s she teamed with Aaron Spelling to star in Charlie's Angels, a very popular television series which also starred Miss March, who has sadly passed away resulting from anal cancer.

Now, I wonder why Kate was not also cast in Aaron Spelling's Beverly Hills 90210, where, surely, she could have played Tori Spelling's mother. Maybe Kate wanted the role, but Tori complained to daddy about losing airtime and a diminished sex symbol status because of her TV mommy and threw a temper tantrum. Yeah, I'm positive that's what happened.

And then Kate became furious at Aaron and wanted to kill kill kill Tori. Kate wanted to prove that she was still hotter than Tori despite the age difference, and wanted to pose for Playboy, but then realized that Miss March already posed and Kate was tired tired tired of being overshadowed.

But then, Kate remembered that life is short and she survived two stints of breast cancer. After her cancer recurrence, she received a partial mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. Kate's upbeat outlook was endearing. “I’m never going to have the perfect body," Kate said, "but I can wear a strapless evening gown, a bustier or whatever is required for a part.”

Today, Kate stands all alone as Miss September.Charlie's Angels' Kate Jackson
*Note: As always, much of this information came from Wikipedia. Some may also have been imagined. That, combined with a photo I found using a Google search, makes this the single most illegitimate blog story ever. Please don't tell the cops.

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Will You Be My Friend?

I have finally caved and joined the trendy "it" thing, Twitter, a social networking service.

Follow me on Twitter here!

Become my Facebook friend here!

Buy your beauty products from my mom here!

Check out my brother's Bar and Grill in Myrtle Beach here!

Call my mobile phone on this number...


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Big Brother

Portable color LCD televisionFor my bar mitzvah over 12 years ago, Aunt Flojo bought me a portable color LCD TV. On the rare occasions that I left my couch on the weekend during football season, I brought my TV with me. I cursed at the little thing in 2003 as I watched UVA lose to N.C. State, 51-37. I remember heading to Aunt Flojo's Hanukah party in 2002 and watching beer bottles rain in Cleveland after the referee overturned a last-minute call, giving Jacksonville the victory. "We feared for our lives," Jaguars wide receiver Jimmy Smith later said.

This past Saturday night, as I rode with my parents to my cousins' house for Rosh Hashanah dinner, I turned on my portable TV. Virginia Tech was playing Nebraska in a close game, and I wanted to see Tech quarterback Tyrod Taylor continue to throw poorly.

I turned it on. The TV scanned for stations, but it didn't stop on ABC like it was supposed to. It didn't stop on any station. Then I remembered that the government forced broadcasting stations to go digital in June, leaving my wonderful bar mitzvah gift useless.

In 1997, my technologically-advanced LCD TV probably cost Aunt Flojo $200-300. Calculating for inflation, that would be $267.25-400.88 in 2008 dollars. After accounting for depreciation and technological advancement, I estimate it is currently worth $30.

I'll be expecting my check, Obama.


Postscript: According to some websites, I may be able to get a government coupon for a portable TV converter box. I take back what I said, Mr. President. I will accept public money to purchase a converter so that I can use my twelve-year-old television once every year or two. Thanks for the money, my dear blog readers.

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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

My Hip CT Scan

I received a CT scan to measure my leg length discrepancy resulting from my cancer surgery over eight and a half years ago. I know what my hip looks like—I've seen X-rays over the years. However, I had never seen this.

"This is science at its peak. It's incredible. How in the fuck am I still able to walk pain-free?" I wrote in an e-mail to my friend, Hamburgers. I attached the CT picture. "Don't worry, you can't make out my junk. It just looks like a bulge," I wrote.

I clicked Send.

Forty-five minutes later I peeked at the picture again, and realized I could enlarge it. I clicked the magnifying glass icon, and could now see my clearly defined genitalia. "I take it back—you can totally see my donger if you zoom in," I wrote back to Hamburgers. "I highly recommend you not zoom in, but your personal sexual desires are your own prerogative."

So, that's what the "smudge" function is for, huh?Benjamin Rubenstein skeletal CT scan showing Ewing's sarcoma resection

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