“Keep your eyes on the wall,” Ho-Train said. “No matter what, keep your eyes on the wall.”

My friend, Ho-Train, was sharing his most important rule of the men’s bathroom in an article I wrote for my high school newspaper, The Yellow Jacket. Ho-Train’s quote was one of the few I used in my articles that I didn’t fabricate and randomly credit to classmates.

More rules:

• No talking unless all the communicators are on the same plane: at the sink, urinal, or in the shitter. If you and your friend are peeing, and you finish before him, your conversation must pause until he rejoins you at the sink.
• Never touch handles with your palm.
• Take an end urinal if available. If possible, leave two unused urinals between you and the other dude, but no more than three or you risk looking like a pansy, with the exception of the end unit. If you have to saddle up next to another dude, keep your elbows tight. If you’re going to have to squeeze between two dudes, broach the urinal extremely slowly in the hope that somebody will finish before you arrive.
• If a dude farts at the urinal, it is appropriate to laugh, so long as your eyes don’t move from the wall.
• For goodness sake, wash your hands after shitting.
• If two friends are shitting in adjoining stalls, they are permitted to hold hands. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
• It is strongly encouraged to ridicule dudes who spend significant time in front of the mirror.
• Never ridicule a dude who takes too long at the urinal. Stage fright will be sympathized with, even downright respected, as opposed to the dude who left four or more urinals between the next dude.
• Any direct and intentional sight of another dude’s wang may result in death.
• Always give a dude room when he’s pulling valuables out of his pants.
• Pulling out through the zipper is the best method. A full unbutton and unbuckle is authorized. Dropping trousers to the point where the ass crack can be seen is not permitted.
• A shitter will be chosen that eliminates the aggregate awkwardness. This will be a judgment decision. Factors to be taken into account include adjacent open shitters, a workable lock, and farthest distance from the bathroom’s common area. Of course, selfish factors will also be taken into account such as cleanliness and fully-stocked toilet paper.

These are universal rules that dudes know instinctively. Centuries ago they were passed down from father to son. Through survival of the fittest, the unaware civilizations died off, and by way of evolution these rules are no longer learned.

At my last job some of these rules were bent and some outright broken. One dude would unbutton, unbuckle, and completely untuck his shirt just to pee.

Dudes took a urinal in the middle when the end was available. Dudes took the urinal next to me when they could’ve chosen one with a buffer.

Dudes began conversation upon entering the bathroom, while I was in the middle of peeing. This is a serious problem on two levels: (1) we weren’t on the same plane; (2) by saying hello they forced me to turn my head to the right. If another dude was urinating next to me, and suspected that I peeked at his wang, then he could try to kill me.

One dude would greet upon arrival and continue conversing from the shitter. This put me in a terrible bind. I didn’t want to seem rude, but I also didn’t want to be around when the noises began. He was the Alpha Dude, with a complete lack of natural shitter-inhibitions.

When it comes to the shitter, there are fewer rules than preferences. Dudes would flush and then wait to come out until the bathroom was empty in an attempt to conceal their identities. Dudes would exit the stall inconspicuously, wash up, and leave the room as quickly as possible. Dudes would wait to tuck until after exiting the stall, proudly displaying their pooping success.

One dude tested the flushing capability beforehand. He was The Clogger. Some dudes let loose without a care, while others restricted their expulsions to mere squeaks. One dude prayed that the bathroom was empty before entering to shit. If not empty, he would pretend he came in to pee and come back later to poop.

And me? The last rule: don’t relieve and tell.