Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Blame Canada

Niagara Falls at sunsetIt was the summer of 1994 and I was on vacation with my family in Niagara Falls, New York. While out to dinner at Perkins Restaurant, I got up to pee. I pushed the bathroom door open and walked in, searching for the urinals, but there were no urinals. How can a men's bathroom not have urinals? I was the only person in the room, except for one dude taking a shit. I did one more search, scanning my eyes from wall to wall, but still no urinals. I wondered if Canadians pissed in the sink and maybe that rubbed off on these northern New Yorkers. Look what the world has come to, pissing in sinks. That Canada sure is a crazy country.
I was about to pee in one of the numerous empty toilets, when I heard the dude taking a shit make a grunting sound, only it was high-pitched. He made the noise a second time and I realized it wasn't a dude at all, and she may or may not have been taking a shit. There were no urinals because I was in the women's bathroom. Back in middle school I dreamed of being invisible and walking into a girl's locker room, but this wasn't nearly as cool.

I rushed out and fled for my table, forgetting the reason I was there to begin with. The woman on the payphone dropped her jaw and nearly the phone when she saw me. I wasn't trying to peak, I promise. Ever since then, I've triple-checked the sign on bathroom doors. Outback Steakhouse tries to screw me with their fancy "Blokes" sign. Why can't they call it "Men's" like every other restaurant? Those silly Canadians.

That was the only time I entered the wrong bathroom. My old coworker, F4 (office hottie), has done it too many times to count. Our office was small, so all bathrooms were single-person. Since very few men worked there, the women used the men's bathroom at will. One day I forgot to lock the door and F4 walked in on me urinating. Fortunately, I played it cool.

Wait, no I didn't. Not at all. Not even close.

When she opened the door she yelled, "Oh God."

What I should've said: "Would you like to shake for me?"
What I actually said: "SHIT FUCK!"

As I approached her cubicle on the way back to my desk, she said, "Did I terrorize you? Don't worry, I didn't see anything."

What I should've said: "You're not the first female to barge in and try to see my donger."
What I actually said: "It would be best if we never mention this again and pretend like it didn't happen. Alright, good talk, I'll see you out there."

Later in the day F4 followed me to the mailroom, which was across from the men's bathroom. "See, I always use this one, not just when you're in it," she said. F4 opened the door, screamed and then walked right back out because there was a different dude in it. "Why don't you boys lock the door!"

What I should've said: "One look at Benjy donger and you can’t get enough."
What I actually said: Nothing. I couldn't stop laughing.

When I asked F4 what the other dude did when she walked in on him, she said, "He didn't care. I think he wanted me to see him naked."

What I should've said: "I know I want to see you naked."
What I actually said: "You're gross."

Twice in the same day is quite a coincidence. F4 must be Canadian.


patty said...

5 years cancer free! I'm jealous :)

Love this post. It's awesome.